Here we go.

Things will be great.

22 days to freedom.

It has been a while since I titled my post. And this one will be titled - Courage.

Courage. Through our lives, we have been constantly shaping and redefining its meaning. In our childhood, perhaps our parents were our heroes. They were the ones with the courage, for they seemed to know everything, and could protect us from anything possible. Then we entered kindergarten and primary school, setting foot on the path of education. Once again, our definition was editted. The uncles and aunties in uniforms seemed to be the courageous ones now, for they upheld justice and helped others. First ambitions came. I wanted to be a fireman. For it was a symbol of courage, dashing into burning buildings to save lives.

We all grow up. And soon I realised that in Singapore, the firefighting scene wasnt as exciting as the television had depicted. And once again, my opinion of courage was altered. I realised that courage came in all forms and types, and it always arose when it was needed. When 911 occured, many courageous people came forth to help. Similarly, when the Nicoll Highway collapsed much nearer to home, there were people who put their lives on the line to help people totally unrelated to them. And so I realised there was only one possibility, everybody has courage within them.

Everyone has latent courage. We were that courageous sperm who fought and won out of the many million other sperms, and we finally fertilised that egg. In fact, it takes courage just to wake up everyday, to fight the challenges that we face everyday. We have matured to fight even greater challenges and have come thus far, we have become more courageous by the day. For courage is strength, and we are growing stronger.

Come this November, many of my friends and peers will face one of the greatest challenge in our lives so far. It is inevitable to be scared. There will definitely be an inexorable quiver as we approach what we have never tried before, especially since this novelty will decide our fate. I was scared out of bed this morning. For I slept away the whole evening when I was supposed to get up to revise for a few more hours. I slept through till this morning. And I realised I had only two mere days more to go, about one now. Everyone will be afraid.

It is indeed a test of our strength, a test of our courage. Can we handle the stress? Can we handle our own crazy thoughts? Can we really do the A levels? At this point of time, it is really time to draw on our courage, and say yes. Yes to all. If we look back upon our lives, we have overcome obstacle after obstacle. And we have grown much stronger. Soon, this obstacle will be like those in our memories. We just have to believe, and we can do it.

I heard a line from a song yesterday, High by Lighthouse Family. It goes like this.

When you re close to tears remember
Some day it will all be over
One day we re gonna get so high
And though its darker than December
Whats ahead is a different colour
One day we re gonna get so high

And at the end of the day
We ll remember the days
We were close to the edge
And well wonder how we made it through
And at the end of the day
We ll remember the way
We stayed so close to till the end
We ll remember it was me and you

So my friends, do not give up. Not now, not ever. It is at times like this when we should even be stronger. Remember you are never in this alone. Lets fight this together.

To all the people out there I know taking the A levels, especially those who I have been working hard with day in day out for the past weeks, all the best for the final journey. Believe in yourselves, we all know we can do it. See you at the end of the tunnel.

You have the courage.

Magnolia white clouds amidst a sky of azure blue. The field below is green and continuous, as far as the eye can see. The green and blue merges ever so seemingly at the horizon, so simply, yet at the same time with such complexity. A wonderful scene, almost perfect. Then one spots a lonely flower, a delightful shade of passion red, rendering the beauty of the rest of nature but superficial, for one now has only eyes for that stalk of intriguing loveliness.

It is just human, purely innocently human, to want to posess what is beautiful, what is lovely. And so one now wants that flower, to keep and to secure, to call it his or hers. And so one bends over, stretching out ones hand, with the thought of plucking that flower, to appreciate and admire every day, to have and to hold.

True enough, a flower may do better off after being plucked. If the right care and concern is showed, the flower may last longer, bloom even more beautifully, and bring more delight to the world. Yet, if one does not have the capability of doing do, the flower may whither sooner than it should have, and the beauty is lost.

One decides not to pluck the flower. Not yet. It is not the right time. And so one waits, preparing for the day where one is ready to pluck that flower. And time goes on.

Some time later, one finds himself back at the field. The red flower is still there, ever so beautiful. But one finds oneself as unprepared as back at the time when one first set ones eyes upon this marvel. Yet, opportunties do not come one too many times. The flower may whither tomorrow. A big storm may come and uproot the flower. Or just another passerby may have plucked it away.

If one plucks the flower, the flower may be everlasting or it could die sooner, but if one does not pluck the flower, the fate of the flower will be undecided, perhaps the flower could last for another day, perhaps not, and be gone for good.

Let fate take its path, or take fate into ones hands?

I am frustrated, officially, for a multitude of reasons, though they mainly revolve around the bloody restrictions that the A levels impose on my life. There are so many things to be done, yet because of that overrated darn A levels, everything is put on hold, everything is given less priority, everything is second, everything. But can everything really be less important?

I know its silly. I do have a choice, but then again I dont. It just happens I am a paranoid little sucker for the power of paper qualification, born and raised just to get certificate after certificate. I am not like some who believe they might have another way around life, yet I am not the kind who fully embrace their need for paper comfort and throw their whole soul to the demon of books. Caught in the middle. Period.

I guess theres difficulty no matter what path you choose. I know. I just need to rant. Release some steam. I would throw out every profantity. I guess I do have such a right since all I can do is watch on now. Rawrrrrrrrr!

When will this shit be over?

Time seems to be passing fast. Countdowns are everywhere. 26 days, conveniently taken off the nick of someone. Soon it will be 20 days, then 10, and slowly the fingers will move towards the palm, till the fists are balled up, no fingers left sticking out, no more days left to prepare.

Im worried, seriously. People seem to be moving on. I seem stagnant. I see how people complete practice papers, while I get stuck at the first few questions. I see how even people I though were slackier than me have done more than me. Complacent? No I am not. I wouldnt be worrying if I were.

Im just caught in the middle. I need my own time. I would prefer my own time. But here I am going to school everyday for lectures everyday absorbing lesser than I can imagine. Why not skip school then? Why everyone else seems to be hitting college and I need group study. I am a troublesome person I know.

Actually I wonder if doing okay for this prelims is good or not. I feel like I am where I do not belong. My grades have placed me far higher than I think I actually am. While everyone can do that deductive question, I find myself cowering among question marks. While everyone can intergrate and differentiate like it was the process of consuming and defaecting, I feel like I dont have an appetite and constipation at the same time. I seriously wonder what I am doing sometimes. Why am I here, where I dont belong.

I rather not think about it anymore. I guess all I can hope for is the best, the best to come out from all the confusion I am facing now. Perhaps I will find my way soon. Perhaps.