I tried to be happy today, I really did. But its just so hard to be. Everything just seems to go wrong. I am feeling sick, inside. My throat itches and irritates, my eyes are painful, my left nostril hurts and my nose is running. But instead of outbreaking, it just stays within, slowing sapping my strength, consuming my energy, leaving me desperately exhausted, helplessly tired, begging for mercy at the hands of fatigue. And so how am I supposed to be happy? I feel like shit.

It really sucks. Really. I just feel so down, so irritated, so moody. I think it would do you more good to talk to a flower than talk to me. At least the flower may sway if a breeze comes by. I am just stone. My doses of normal songs didn work today and I had to change my prescription to a booze of linkin park instead. Never needed it for so long.

Get used to it. I would just like to apologise in advance if I dao anyone this week, unintentionally of course, and if I seem to have an attitude problem or something like that and offend some of you. Conversely, dont try to irritate me, dont talk to me, and just leave me alone. Unless... ...its really important.

I am a wreck. I look tired, feel tired, am tired. And the hair just doesn listen anymore. Its falling around, needs some snipping. And theres so much on my mind. Physics SPA and Maths test are just two of the challenges ahead. Sigh.

I need a miracle.

Who can really say no to a sweet? We humans are just born to love sweets. That is why it is as hard as taking a peanut from an elephant to take sweets from a baby. A little sugar in our live really just makes it better. Sweets, chocolates, jellies, lollies yada yada. We would really love our mandrin orange to turn out sweet instead of sour. Sweetness really just gives you a light headed feeling, soon to float off to the skies, and a stupid smile appears on your face unknowingly. And yeah, thats the power of sweetness.

Then again, can sweetness really fill our stomachs? One has to be practical at times, most times actually. We eat to sustain our lives as a first priority, the taste just follows in second place. In times of war, if we had a lollypop in hand, we would definitely trade it in for some rice, something more staple and lasting. The truth is we can never live on a moment of sweetness, we definitely need a basic fundamental requirement.

I want ice cream pei roti. It is one of the better creations in the local food industry. Despite mothers often discouraging their kids from buying food from the uncle on the motorcycle, inside that unsightly metal box alongside the engine is actually heaven. It satisfies our need, the bread giving us the carbohydrates to sustain, yet the sugarlicious ice cream giving us the full joy of sweetness. In this way, we will be able to last, with sputters of sugary bliss here and there.

I would want to eat raspberry ripple on bread forever and forever. The thing is, will I be able to afford it?

The last one day was spent catching up with sec school friends. It is amazing how some of my friends do it but they manage to balance their new friends with the sec school kaki pretty well. Not in my case. 4 months. Thats how long I have not seen the people, and the closer friends at this case. And for the guys in my school, its even a worse case somehow, I have yet to talk to them properly even after today, cause they did a no show. Sadded.

So I was estastic at the thought at meeting all of them finally. So much that I dragged myself away from the company of my class to meet them, went out till late even though I wasn feeling so well. Pulled myself out of bed today even though I was suffering from the hangover of fatigue.

I remember the old times. The boys. F-qube. The bigger circle. I admit that the class was never really bonded so I wasn really enthusiastic in meeting all of them. Just wanted to meet this handful of people. But I still didn get to meet all of them. It is reasonable I guess, its a pass. The two others I wanted to meet are in my school, so probably chances are that I can meet up with them easier? Probably, but in truth probably no. The extra effort. I need to put it in somewhere.

And so I met the 2 other boys yesterday. Some things were the same. The classic handshake. The friendship. The warmth. But yet, things were not the same. Somehow, there was distance, the unfamiliarity. There was even some discomfort to an extent. Different environents. I guess poly really breaks you into reality much better than JC. There were different mindsets, different exposure, different attitudes. It seemed at times like the bad company often depicted in primary school compositions.

It is a dillema. Deep inside, I still very much want to meet and go out with them, and do stuff. It is something I have not indulged in for a long time. Guys day out. That never happens in JC. Somehow we are just too busy we forgot whats it like to just chill out. Just sit and talk. We need a good purpose to get people out. It was wonderful to relive that. But then again, the different perspectives on what to and not to do bugs me when I am with them. I feel pressure, not at all like the old times, when all of us were more similar.

But I have decided. They are still my friends, my very good friends. I still want to meet them more than anything. Perhaps drag the JC people along as well to neutralise stuff.

Anyway, just to apologise to the 4V-ians for the attitude I gave today. Just was pissed at the outcome. Especially you, yeah we probably will meet on that Friday.

It has been a tiring day. I was trying my best to sustain, but suddenly I feel totally defeated and lost.

Indeed I should stop and ask myself, what am I doing? And why am I doing whatever I am doing? It is interesting but I had never planned to do anything, but somehow, things somewhat happen. It was never intentional, at least consciously, but to me I am just going about doing what I usually do.

The question is, am I really doing things out of the ordinary? Cause if I am, I never planned to affect anyone. And how do I go back to the realms of the norm? But firstly, I know I need a good path back. A path that is decently walkable, no longer with those thorny vines to prick my naked feet, without the blood flowing a crimson red. The vines that lay the path I walked upon today, will they still continue down this perpetually intertwining path? Or will I finally feel the soft luscious grassland upon my healing feet?

But then again, should I continue swimming in this shark-infested waters to the island which promised treasure or should I return to the harbour?

Or perhaps I am just paranoid...

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

May the year of the pig bring everyone prosperity, longvity and most importantly, happiness! It is time for fun and getting together. Enjoy the new year people. =)

This one is for you girl.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FANGLU!!

Hehes. May you have a fruitful year ahead and all your wishes come true. Stay happy and cute. =) And hope to see you soon.

It was kind of sad, walking home alone from training, along that long lonely road. But hey, this has been one of my best valentines day!

Lessons were funny today. Didn really feel like lessons. Everyone was like just bustling lah, an unspoken spontaneous excitement in the atmosphere. Everyone was just not concentating. And like Mrs Suresh gave gifts lol. It was post-its to stick on to our chem stuff. = =" But well it was nice. =)

I should have bought stuff for people I realised. Feel kind of paiseh receiving only without giving. Well I will treat these people better in future. Hehe. So here are my thanks.

Kenneth: Thanks for your rose. Didn get to thank you in person yeah? And yep, our PW will be great!

Andrew: Woah you only slept 2 hours last night in preparation for vdae. So yeah your gift is very appreciated. Catch some sleep today yeah?

Yvonne Ng: Okay even more shiok, didn sleep at all. So yeah thanks for your gift. And yeah get the sleep you deserve and dont fall ill.

Nets: Thanks for your choclate. I ate already. Hehe. You are one nice freshie. Callisto One rocks!

Siti: Mashmallows. Also in my tummy. Thanks for that. It has been nice working with you for orientation. See ya around. =)

Terence Goh: Thanks for the timeout. And yeah sponsoring them for the J2s too. You are one good treasurer!

My angel: Your gift is very nicely wrapped. Thanks. Although it is the last day, I am glad you still bothered to give something. I am happy!

My faux angels: Hahas. You guys know who you are. Thanks for the chocos. It is super shiok. Yeah. Can continue being my angels and give me stuff everyday? =X

Hope I didn leave anyone out. Hehes. I feel loved. So what if I am alone tonight, I have love from loads of friends, thats enough.

To all you people out there, my friends from 4V, 06S202, bowling and wherever,
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! =)

I feel totally relaxed, for like once in this period of difficult times. The idea of no deadlines, no assignments, no tests, for at least a week to go. The Chemistry tutorial I handed in today was like the last of my workload. It was a heavy workload but I managed to work it out and when I finally got it off my shoulders, I feel like I feel now, relaxed, and somewhat happy. =)

It is nice to look forward now. Tomorrow is a day of lectures. Will be boring but no deadlines. I wont be attending college on thursday to go for my medical appointment. It may be surgery, or actually it is, but who cares, no pressure, no deadlines. Nothing at all I can or need to do. Though I wonder what the outcome will be. =X After that, CNY celebrations on Friday and a whole weekend plus two bonus CNY holidays to let my hair down. Wooh!

Tomorrow is Valentines Day aka Friendship Day. The angel-mortal game is finally wrapping up. I did not get anything from my angel but it is okay. My mortal did not reply but it is okay. I wonder what it will be like tomorrow? I am single but it is okay. What surprise holds in the line of suspense? I guess thats the nice part about life, not knowing what is coming the very next moment. It is nice when you feel happy.

Would just like to thank Yvonne and Shuting for their efforts lah. I dont really mind but I appreciate your intentions.

I am a happy boy. =)

I am complaining again. I never fail to do so I realise but theres nothing much to rejoyce about in this perpetual world of grey. There are certainly times of black where things are at its worse and times of white where things look up, but I havent really seen the rainbow for a long time now. Welcome to life in JC.

Life is like an hourglass glued to the table. The sand just keeps falling. You can try to stop it but the sand just keeps falling. And you realised you would be better off spending that time on something else. Thats life. And so here I am, short of time as usual. It gets worse when you find your weekends eventful. It just means a tough weak ahead. The strategies of deception and concealing from the teachers have to be employed twice as many times.

Actually, I am not really against doing homework or studying. I am a student. It is my responsiblity. And I do feel satisfaction when I finally get something done. But then again, it is an evil cycle. If I decide to chiong my tutorials in advance, I slack off in class because it is all done and I know how to do it. And in the end, I sort of forget because it was done too long ago. But if I dont do homework, I copy loads in class. Sure my mind is at least on the topic now but how much will I absorb?

And once again, it is not usually because I dont want to do homework. It is often because I cant. I am the kind who stops once I get stuck at one question. I totally lose the momentum to continue. I really cant afford to encounter a hard question. That is why I like doing homework together with others. But in this tight schedule in JC, when do we really have the time to do so? There is also social stigma involved in mugging in public. The mugger image is not a preferred thing. There is also fatigue to deal with, 5 nights a week. Which is why the weekends were there in the first place.

I dont know what the future would be like. CCA is going to step up to three times a week and school work will probably increase too. And I am not even enjoying myself much now. Life is so meaningless. How will it be like then?

Give me a reason to smile.

Today was the college road race. I am not a runner in any sense of the word. I have no stamina and I cant sprint. In fact, anything to do with stamina and legs doesn have much bridges to me. But anyway, since the house were asking for people the last time, I just somehow joined.

Well partly, I wanted to challenge myself, partly because my good friends were all joining. It is my last year in Meridian, no harm right? It is also a good chance to get the body going. Yet inside, there was some relunctance lah, basically cause I am not a runner. I really fear finishing last, being seen as overestimating myself, but well those are just mere thoughts. Didn trouble me much. I slept well last night.

And so I ran today. My position is pretty lousy as expected. 169 out of 206 people. But after some thought I think I am happy I did join. First, I ran the furthest I ever did before. Second, I didn walk along the whole stretch of the run. I did win about 30 people. And I sweated it out. So yeah, I am glad I did. And many thanks to Terence for pacing me when he could be much much much more in front. =)

Went out with the class girls and some guys after road race. It is quite cool how we are quite gelled now. But then again, how long will this last? I miss my sec school pals. Used to be very close too, perhaps closer, but now we are seperated by barriers of class and schools. It is but an excuse I know. We should learn to survive in different social circles simultaneously. But somehow I just place more emphasis on the one I can reach out to more easily. But it is not out of sight out of mind. I really hope we can meet up soon. Perhaps the next birthday would be a good opportunity. This is something I should and can do.

Valentines day is approaching. Doesn concern me whatsoever. But somehow, the same day seems to be some friendship day. Perhaps can just go out with friends then, but do I really want to see couples all around? Anyway, the school is holding some school-wide angel and mortal game. Wonder how it will go. Oh well no point guessing. We will know on Monday. Hope its fun. Hope I get a good angel, and a decent mortal. =)

Where do all the lonely hearts go?