A very retarded me couldnt sleep last night. I ended up with a very tired me today. The mind was tired, the body was tired, and there were muscle pains. Crap. On exam day. Fantastic.

I guess paper one was fine. I played safe abit, wrote a very standard essay, no funny expressions, but tried to make it super long. 4 SVs, 3 OVs. And yes I didn use the word of the day. Tried to substantiate more. Hope it will get me a better grade. =S Paper two was havoc lah. Perhaps I was too tired but I could figure it was a difficult paper lah. Just tried to finish it up to the best of my capabilities.

Went to meet up with an old friend after exam. Was okay lah, the long time no see usuals. But i wished that we were doing something more interesting instead. Being the freaking tired me, I needed something to perk me up more. But ya lah exams more important, so never mind lah. Tried to study econs to the best of my abilities. Ended up using her labtop more than often. = =" Oh well. At least I met up right? Hehes.

Need sleep now. Rawr!

Today is a boring day. Come to think of it, the holidays have been boring since saturday. =x The only time I went out was on Sunday for lunch with the maternal side. The food sucked, the ambience sucked, the table positioning sucked and the conversation wasn so interesting, if you know what I mean.

And so back to today. Didn go out today because I was too busy playing game last night to plan anything, until 12 plus, so by then everyone was offline and I couldnt be bothered lah. The plan to wake up earlier today to see if I could snag anyone didn turn out well also since I woke up like close to noon and then I couldnt be bothered and decided to settle those few hours at home. So it was mostly tv and computer, and a very bored me. And cloudy headed from all the excess sleep. Oh well, at least its over now.

Tomorrow is going to be better I think. Without the GP paper and the econs lecture. The class people is going to watch Pirates of the Carribean 3 I think. So it wont be boring. And I hope the trend will continue. But then again theres much of mixed feelings about this holiday. Kind of the shit that the mid-years are after this lah. And like some people have put it. 4 weeks, 4 subjects. Means this week is not for play. And I haven got my mind down to anything. But I dont want it to be all work. This holidays are for more than that. But then its our responsibility as students I guess. Perhaps I should start some study group thing going lah. So I can study, and play at the same time. At least abit? And I wont be cooped up at home. See about it.

Talking about GP, I haven really prepared. =( I tried. Really did this time. But it just seemed so purposeless. I need statistics. Not articles. Just to substantiate some of those speculations I make in my essays. But not very fruitful. Zzz. But its abit late to do anything now. Believe in myself. Thats what I can do. And sleep early? Lol. Anyway, the word of the day for tomorrow is innuendo. It is really hard to fit in anywhere I think. It just suddenly popped up in my head a few days ago. But I doubt I will use it. Just for fun. = ="

Hope the paper will be fine.

I started off my holidays in style. Its what you can call a almost perfect start to the holidays. The sun and the water, all at Bedok Swimming Complex! Okay, not so impressive after all. Lack the sand and sea, and the sea breeze, but well there was some wind. Hahas. But at least I thought that this is one of my best holiday starts in quite a while.

So today was a guys day out lah. Went with LY and Jungang to swim. Hahas. Maybe I abit sao xing lah. Cause I suck at swimming and scared I drown in the big big pool. So we ended up swimming in the 1m pool. = =" Beginner level 1 what. What to do? =x But I think I should really train my stamina someday. Really sucks. Lol. Few times up and down and I am tired. But yeah, I think its good exercise. Plus I think I got a tan. =)

After that headed to Bedok KFC for lunch. We waited there for a pretty long time lah. Cause had to meet up with other guys and they were late. Nick, Liong, Fred and Bernard joined us to go mahjong at Terence place. A bit suai today ah. Bought the meal, then carried back to table, then drink spilled. Super malu. =( But the Cheesy BBQ thingy was not bad, though abit salty I think.

So after that went to mahjong. Terence father was very nice. Give us alot of things to eat. Hehe. After we played enough, went to eat dinner at Tampines. Nick left. But we went to meet Bang first to borrow bicycle. Then shun bian go eat with us. So due to the many many delays, I think I came home abit late and Mums not very happy. So I guess I have to scrap my cycling plan tomorrow. =( Oh well. Should have know better. But its the holidays right?

Heres my holiday to do list again. I added something new.

1)Go do some cycling
2)Go rollerblading
3)Go swimming
4)Get my tan back (Provided I dont peel =S)
5)And perhaps some toning?
6)Watch Pirates of the Carribean 3
7)Meet with sec school boys
8)More class time =)
*9)Learn more songs on the guitar*
10)Have a happy birthday (okay maybe not before studies, will be too late =x)

Hoho. So did I say today was a fun day? I think the thing that stand out is that today was one of the successful guys only outing. It is somehow in our class that outings revolve around the girls. Maybe because there are only so few of them that they are precious. Hahas. But guys only can be fun too. No worries, no restrictions, just pure indulgence. Lets have more okay?

I finally got hit by the disappointment today. I had never realli felt it on the previous 3 days of competition, only influenced by the rest at most. But today was pretty different. I got hit by a complete wave of it in the midst of my last game. And it was bad, so bad I wanted to give up. And perhaps I did partially, cause that score was terrible. Unmentionable.

I guess its a consolation its over. Although I would very much want to redo everything again. And hope I would do better. But then again, the odds are against me. Bad lanes that I still have no idea how to read. Poor sparing skills. Unable to handle the stress. So I guess I should just be glad its over, and put it all behind. But I am over the disappointment I guess. I am not going to quit bowling lah. Going to hide in the mountains and train new skill. Lol. And come back when I am ready. Grr.

Theres so much more to look forward to. Like the whole month of mugging break holidays. So much that I can do. All thats left standing between me and that paradise is 2 periods of physics tutorial, 1 maths lecture, 2 periods of chemistry tutorial and 1 compass principal talk. It seems like eternities to me. =( Hahas.

Cant wait. What are we going to do this Friday?

Then again, am I really letting go so easily as I said? Why do I stil feel upset?

Boats drifting in the sea of fate, thats what we are. Hopelessly paddling, striving for destinations, yet evantually just being played around by the waves and the wind. Its kind of pathetic aint it, how helpless we can be at times. Helpless and hapless. After drifting in the sea for times that know no bound, we finally see shore, and we struggle to paddle towards it, with all of our strength, yet when we are down to the final 100m, the wind suddenly changes direction, and it blows in an opposing direction to us. We fight on, yet it is too strong, and we can only look longingly at the shore, so near yet so far.

What is wrong with this? Some of you may ask. Being able to see must mean you are closer to your goal. Yet you are often reminded of your disappointment as well. How your many attempts at reaching shore had been fruitless once and again. It does get tiring. It does. And it doesn make you afraid. Afraid that one day, you might give up hope on land altogether. You dont want that to happen so much, you know what land holds for you, but it just looms bleakly in the days to come. Sometimes being able to see but not hold is the most painful position to be in. To be in the balance, neither here nor there. You do not get the full advantages of each side, but get the disadvantages of both.

And in situations like this, the mind turns into your worst enemy, as it focuses on the cons, overlooking the pros that come occasionally. An example would be the additional pain, to be able to see but not do anything. Imagine if you can see your beloved house upon the shore. But unfortunately, your house is being looted. You see the dark figure sneaking in and out of your home, taking away what is precious to you. Yet you cannot do anything because of your position. Yet you feel the hurt, the agony, and curse the police for not being able to see it happening. But evantually you realise that all you can do is to surpress it all and pretend you never knew anything.

Its occurences like these, that wear you out. That makes you wonder why you are so foolish, to long for what you may be impossible to reach. Makes you wonder why would you put yourself through such a torment. Makes you feel like giving up. When you no longer desire anything, there would be self satisfaction and contentment, and none of this pain that you are going through. It gets more and more tempting.

Yet are you really able to give up? Deep inside, you are still secretly wishing for it to happen. What if one day, the wind decides to blow you to shore without you even trying? Would you then regret that you gave up on land? Would you feel stupid for giving up everything you could have just for the temporary relief? Would you feel saddened when you see people walking around with the riches of the land that you could have had yourself?

I am not giving up. I will wait for the wind.

Yet all I could do was to watch your back as you walked away, with only disappointment left in that cold lonely place.

Heh heh. I think I am abit mad today. Hopped out on my bike the moment I got home and took a ride to Tanah Merah and back, under 2 hours. Well I was there to just pick my sister up lah, okay accompany her back on her ride since she wasn feeling that awesome. I think I could have been faster lah, but oh well, I havent been riding for a pretty long time, so yeah, one of my wishes fulfilled. But come to think of it I should have thought about tomorrow being a competition day. Hahas. Oh well, what done is done.

Looking further down this week, it looks like only one econs lecture on Wednesday and a truncated timetable for Thursday left. Yippee. My super short school week is substantiating. And with such good fortune, I am hopelessly drifting into holiday mood. Hahas. And so I decided to create a list of stuff I want to do this holiday before getting down to studies.

1)Go do some cycling
2)Go rollerblading
3)Go swimming
4)Get my tan back
5)And perhaps some toning?
6)Watch Pirates of the Carribean 3
7)Meet with sec school boys
8)More class time =)
9)Have a happy birthday (okay maybe not before studies, will be too late =x)

Hahas thats all for now. I add on if I think of more. It starting to look alot like HOLIDAYS!! XD

Argh weekends. Its an irony why I look forward to it sometimes. Cause when I set foot upon this land amongst the blue waters of school days, I find myself on a deserted island with nothing to do at all. Deserted island called home. Where coconuts are like my computer and wild fruit my television. And theres homework like building a raft. You know that building this raft is going to be beneficial, brings you hope to ride more easily out to sea on the next low tide, but you are just infested with laziness and can only choose to lie on the beach, eating coconuts and wild fruit, till the next tide sweeps you out to sea again. And the cycle repeats itself.

So I figured it out. Only look forward to the weekends if you had already planned something for any of the two days. Sadly, this weekend is one of the no plan weekends, and no plan weekends are just sad, and boring, and lonely. =(

But then again, I am already half through it arent I? And next week is going to be fantastic. I figured that the finals of soccer is really going to be on Thursday. So my hopes of a only one full day week might just be fulfilled soon. Yippee. But Man is greedy aint he? Now I am considering ponning Monday. So I wont have to trifle with any homework tomorrow. None of it. No physics or chemistry tutorials that I had tried today and got stuck at the very first questions. No GP comprehension that I am sick and tired of. And no need for that love letter apology letter (what was that again?) to Ms Sathya. All for not completing that comprehension. And it just carries on its torture. I should have ended it there and then. Stupid stupid me. Why dont all things happened like in a cartoon? I thought that the teacher might actually suggest a field trip instead and cancel that assignment. Sure. But yeah ponning Monday is strictly only a consideration. It will never happen I guess. I am a good boy. =x

So since that is the case, back to the homework I guess. Damm the homework. Give me some motivation to get it done. Teach me how to do it. Encourage me. Tell me its easy. Tell me I am smart. Whatever. Just motivate me. Argh!

Its the weekends again. This week has been a short one I guess, yet it seems more tiring, but definitely more fun. Just one more week to the holidays where all havoc can be let loose then. Well to some extent I guess. Lols. As the mid years continue to loom around the corner. =(

Thursday was the second day of the A divisions. What can I say? Underperformed I guess. Could have done much better. But I saw it late. And I guess I could not handle the pressure too. And boo to funny lane conditions once again. Whats up with changing so quickly on that day? Dont want to say anymore. Not going to explicitly publicise my lousy scores too.

Went to watch Pirates of The Carribean 1 and 2 in the school library after school. Never watched it before. =x Wasn too bad I guess. We were damm lucky to get the sofa. The malay librarian told us to get it just as we entered so haha yayness! But it wasn very comfortable either lah. We still had to lean on the wall so had back aches and stuff. Hahas. But nevertheless was a more interesting Friday afternoon than what I had for the last 2 weeks. =)

And yay! MJ won SA at the penalties. Which means we be going to the finals. Which means half day to watch match plus day off to celebrate. I hope it be on next Thursday and Friday. Hahas. Dont know when are the finals yet. We be meeting RJ so maybe better chance to win? Maybe. But yeah if its really Thursday and Friday, means I will only attend full day school on Monday. How cool is that? Going to be the coolest last week in school. Hahas.

Looking forward to the week to come. And yeah its probably time to at least try do homework for Mondays lessons? Trying. Im still tired. Hahas.

Isnt it tiring, hanging in the balance? Forever guessing, and guessing. Hmms.

Hehes. Okay lets be honest. I screwed up in todays round of competition. Lanes were inverse if that is what you call it. Outside oily, inside dry, and my diagonal line was just too inconsistent. I found another straight line later but once you are out of the region, your shot is gone, but I guess lower risk? Well at least I got something out of today, that is understand such an oiling pattern slightly better. 143.67 average today. 151 144 138 147 151 131. I am not exactly disappointed or upset. But I am looking forward to the next round. Looking forward to more hope, and do my best there. Restart on a clean slate. Thats the way to go right?

Other than that, I think today was rather fun. Time with the team and stuff. And the first 3 periods in school were a waste of time since I was counting down to the end the moment it started. Good thing no lessons on Thursday. Haha. Exco interviews tomorrow. I aint going easy on you guys. Any suggestions to killer questions? Muahahahaha!

But damm I am feeling hell of tired now. How am I going to study for that physics test? I need some motivation! RAWR!

Tomorrow is the day. I am ready. But suddenly, nerves get to me. Yikes. Its not a sense of fear or doubt. It is just excitement. The anticipation. And its giving me butterflies in the tummy. Lols. How am I going to sleep tonight. I cant really sit still now.

Just like to wish the team all the best again.

Nerves. =S

4 days to competition. I think I finally feel it. The adrenaline and the excitement. But most importantly, the readiness. I never felt more ready. Its time to take out some pins. All the way man. To MJC bowlers, we have worked so hard. Its finally time to take our stage. Believe in your teammates. Support your teammates. But more importantly, believe in yourselves. And support yourselves all the way. Dont feel discouraged. Every day may seem like the longest but we will make it through, all four days, keep our spirits up! Just want to wish each and everyone of you all the best and lets do MJC proud!

Hahas. This week is really getting better isnt it? It is just going to get better. I am going to leave this dump behind. Look forward, to better brighter days. =)

Frustration. That is what I get after every training. I am disappointed I must admit. Extremely disappointed, in nobody but myself. 5 days to the competition and I am still in such terrible shape. Pathetic to be exact. I dont quite get it. So what if I am throwing a nicer ball now? So what if I get some nods here and there from the coaches? The score throws the cold hard fact explicitly in my face.

I guess I wasted my day away today. I cant stand it. The coach says that bowling is not about force but I just cant stand being so weak. So weak that the ball hits upon the pins with a piak. I dont read her argument at all. There must be a reason why we dont see a small child travelling around to international competitions. I tried everything she said. I am not going to listen to anything more. I am going to shut off to everything they say. Just let me play my game. Dont change me anymore. I need to practice at least something. Just let me go through this competition in this way. And I decided. I am going to do it with my guard. I am not going to use brute strength but neither am I going to be a bloody weakling. The best thing that can happen to me tomorrow is her abscence. I hope so.

And whats with this freaking flu? It just doesnt go away. It stays in me in the most dormant condition but yet constantly reminds me it is there. It doesnt explode and go away. But it just stays there, slowly but surely, sapping away my strength. I got a headache now. How the hell am I to study for SPA tomorrow? Shit it man.

And what can I do to deal with the weakness of a chauvinist? I dont want it to happen but it does and I hate myself for that.

I decided to try something different today. I decided to try to take everything positively, try to be happier, try to be more contented with whatever that comes to me. I tried to be the me I used to be so familiar with. Its the happy-go-lucky approach if that is what you call it. And it did work to a good extent I guess. Even though I was still having trouble breathing due to the blocked nose, I felt a teeny weeny bit happier. I swallowed everything that happened. Whatever was intolerable, I took a deep breath and hid my discontentment behind a smile. A smile that only I could see.

I guess there was some degree of improvement. But I just couldnt sustain it till the end of the day. The frustration on the lanes just tore away this facade that I was trying to build up, the facade that was once me. And I surrendered myself to the blues again. The vulnerability threw me into a turmoil of thoughts, and all the bad feelings that I had so painstakingly hidden into the darkest box in my mind came bursting out.

Then again, most of my discontentment owes to one issue I must admit. I had known better than to dive into such a indulgence, but I just fell prey to the temptation once again. And though there were the moments of bliss, theres more than often confusion and worries. Then again, was it really joy or but a mirage put up by my imagination? Am I just watching my own show that I had directed, produced and acted in singlehandedly? There was only one lead actor, and no lead actress, just me and puppets of my imgaination. Could this really be the case?

A lonely show is really hard to put up. How would one put up a comedy when there is only him and puppets with the saddest faces you have ever seen. And if that is not enough, even the sun doesn shine for you. It just pours, showers after showers. Everytime you think there would be some sunshine to grow a happy garden of flowers, the rain comes and washes away your dream. And the chances of the dream coming true just drifts further and further away from reality. Drifting away are we? Is it really time to retire from this production? It seems really foolish to hang on. Is it time to invest in something else? It did rain today.

But nobody knows what tomorrow may bring. I am not going to wallow in self pity. The person who pities himself is the most pitiful. Why today was a better day. Tomorrow could be the best I ever could have. I am going to work hard, to be the me that I once was, the happy me.

On a random note, why does force to settle territorial conflicts bring only bloodshed to mind. Babies crying among dead bodies, fighter jets swarming overhead like bees around a hive and what not. Why are we so violence orientated nowadays? Whatever happened to the abstract approaches which are so much less bloody. Yes, risk being decontextual but if you link it back well, respect man. So though you didn get the last part right, the cute boy with the lollypop getting bullied, nice try dude. And what did I write? Something along the lines of tribal times, how we hunted and how we sought our leaders. No bloody descriptions of modern warfare. Life is already so brutal, the least we could do is to spare ourselves during an essay introduction right?

Anyway, to all those choir people like Nick, Huiling, Lixian and Bernard, all the best for SYF tomorrow!

Sometimes I wonder if you are blind. Cant you see, hes got dirt on his mind.

I guess I have not been too happy in recent days. And it doesn make sense to leave this feelings unquestioned. Why? I reckon its due to discontentment, about just everything in life. Everything could be much better, but it just turns out this way. And it causes me to lose my passion for life, to keep drifting, day after day, week after week.

I spend most of time in school. And so some source of angst must come from here. Indeed. Its beginning to get so montonous. Its just doing tutorials and sitting through lectues, or not doing tutorials and get scolded and then sit through lectures. Im counting down to the end of lessons each day. Used to be about 10 minutes before end, but now its going up to half an hour. But wasnt school always that way? It is just that the pace is picking up I guess.

On top of that, I think the class is changing. Its something that nobody can deny. We no longer enjoy the simple pleasures of life anymore, that is each others company. I mean whats up with all these rubix cubes and chess sets? Since when were we the intellectual games club? I have been in first classes all my life and never had I seen such a pathetic state before. Lessons are already bad enough and this is what happens during free time? 2 people playing some board game and many others gathering around deriving such great fun that I cannot comprehend. Playing yes I understand, but watching? And its like crowding in big groups. And so are all of us supposed to just gather round and watch as well? I cant understand this. Perhaps I will get shot by a mob of angry uncles from the community centre soon.

Then again it is perhaps just me. I never liked to use my brains. Maybe I dont have brains. Maybe I am just not suited to such a class. Class of people who have the discipline to study hard and the ability to enjoy using their brains. And perhaps due to the smaller size of JC classes, fellow slackers are harder to find. And I find myself inevitably morphing into what I hate to see. What I used to despise. The one who is devoid of a sense of enjoyment.

I really dread to see this happen. I used to love my class. I was very much proud of ourselves. I thought that we had a fantastic spirit. I thought that we would make JC fun. But where is this spirit now? When was the last time we went out? Perhaps its just the prison of time caging up our hearts. We no longer have the time for anything. We rather spend the time to improve ourselves. I dont know. I am pretty much confused. But I know I still want to love this class. I hope we be fine again after this period of CCA commitments.

Speaking of CCA, I guess I am so underperforming too. 1 week to competition and I am still so inconsistent. I hope its just because of fatigue and stuff. But I can see that the whole team is improving. That is good. I will try my best to improve too. Lets work hard together.

I guess its just this discontentment. Everyone wants to be so much more. I want to be so much more. So why do I blame people. We just have our different directions to head in. I do hope that the different paths of this crossroads will lead us back together one day though.

And I am so discontented with how the people around us are making things so different. I am afraid and I guess you are too.

Ack. Suddenly, I realised I am sick. Its the full package of influenza coming I presume. The sore throat came first. Then the running nose. Fantastic way to wrap up the week. And what a way to start the weekend too. And I thought I just recovered from something like last week? Drats. I feel like ponning school tomorrow already. But why am I lengthening my boring weekend? Sigh. Tahan lah.

I realised I have been complaining lots on my blog. Its abuse. Im an official whiner. And I wonder how many people have unlinked me already. Hahas. Just kidding. But there is really nothing happy to blog about nowadays. Its just drifting here and there and hitting obstacles here and there. No spring boards out of the peretual drawl of JC available. Just pitholes to fall in and to climb back out from. So its just shit, and deeper shit.

I really feel I can be so much more, in many different ways. All I need is an opportunity.

Have you ever tried to do something so much but you realise you are not making any headway at all? You have tried everything. Every approach you see. Every alternative. But no, nothing is different. That is alternating current tutorial. I really tried everything! Every method, but I still am on question one. Why am I so stupid? I dont know.

This is dumb. I should just be sleeping now. But something on my conscience tells me not to walk in to tutorial with a blank paper. Although I really really really dont know how to do. Its just nice teachers and me. And its double period tomorrow. So what do I do now? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And my posts are getting more and more retarded. I know. Welcome to JC.

I did my best

But I guess my best wasnt good enough

Cause here we are back where we were before

Okay lets start this labour day right.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BROTHER!!!

Wish you the best in everything you do and yeah all your dreams come true. Hahas.

Okay. So thats all the goodness of labour day. Okay theres sleep. But other than that, I think it be a boring day at home. =( But hey maybe I will do well for that maths test now. So what i want. = ="

Happy labour day.