I decided to try something different today. I decided to try to take everything positively, try to be happier, try to be more contented with whatever that comes to me. I tried to be the me I used to be so familiar with. Its the happy-go-lucky approach if that is what you call it. And it did work to a good extent I guess. Even though I was still having trouble breathing due to the blocked nose, I felt a teeny weeny bit happier. I swallowed everything that happened. Whatever was intolerable, I took a deep breath and hid my discontentment behind a smile. A smile that only I could see.

I guess there was some degree of improvement. But I just couldnt sustain it till the end of the day. The frustration on the lanes just tore away this facade that I was trying to build up, the facade that was once me. And I surrendered myself to the blues again. The vulnerability threw me into a turmoil of thoughts, and all the bad feelings that I had so painstakingly hidden into the darkest box in my mind came bursting out.

Then again, most of my discontentment owes to one issue I must admit. I had known better than to dive into such a indulgence, but I just fell prey to the temptation once again. And though there were the moments of bliss, theres more than often confusion and worries. Then again, was it really joy or but a mirage put up by my imagination? Am I just watching my own show that I had directed, produced and acted in singlehandedly? There was only one lead actor, and no lead actress, just me and puppets of my imgaination. Could this really be the case?

A lonely show is really hard to put up. How would one put up a comedy when there is only him and puppets with the saddest faces you have ever seen. And if that is not enough, even the sun doesn shine for you. It just pours, showers after showers. Everytime you think there would be some sunshine to grow a happy garden of flowers, the rain comes and washes away your dream. And the chances of the dream coming true just drifts further and further away from reality. Drifting away are we? Is it really time to retire from this production? It seems really foolish to hang on. Is it time to invest in something else? It did rain today.

But nobody knows what tomorrow may bring. I am not going to wallow in self pity. The person who pities himself is the most pitiful. Why today was a better day. Tomorrow could be the best I ever could have. I am going to work hard, to be the me that I once was, the happy me.

On a random note, why does force to settle territorial conflicts bring only bloodshed to mind. Babies crying among dead bodies, fighter jets swarming overhead like bees around a hive and what not. Why are we so violence orientated nowadays? Whatever happened to the abstract approaches which are so much less bloody. Yes, risk being decontextual but if you link it back well, respect man. So though you didn get the last part right, the cute boy with the lollypop getting bullied, nice try dude. And what did I write? Something along the lines of tribal times, how we hunted and how we sought our leaders. No bloody descriptions of modern warfare. Life is already so brutal, the least we could do is to spare ourselves during an essay introduction right?

Anyway, to all those choir people like Nick, Huiling, Lixian and Bernard, all the best for SYF tomorrow!

Sometimes I wonder if you are blind. Cant you see, hes got dirt on his mind.