Frustration. That is what I get after every training. I am disappointed I must admit. Extremely disappointed, in nobody but myself. 5 days to the competition and I am still in such terrible shape. Pathetic to be exact. I dont quite get it. So what if I am throwing a nicer ball now? So what if I get some nods here and there from the coaches? The score throws the cold hard fact explicitly in my face.

I guess I wasted my day away today. I cant stand it. The coach says that bowling is not about force but I just cant stand being so weak. So weak that the ball hits upon the pins with a piak. I dont read her argument at all. There must be a reason why we dont see a small child travelling around to international competitions. I tried everything she said. I am not going to listen to anything more. I am going to shut off to everything they say. Just let me play my game. Dont change me anymore. I need to practice at least something. Just let me go through this competition in this way. And I decided. I am going to do it with my guard. I am not going to use brute strength but neither am I going to be a bloody weakling. The best thing that can happen to me tomorrow is her abscence. I hope so.

And whats with this freaking flu? It just doesnt go away. It stays in me in the most dormant condition but yet constantly reminds me it is there. It doesnt explode and go away. But it just stays there, slowly but surely, sapping away my strength. I got a headache now. How the hell am I to study for SPA tomorrow? Shit it man.

And what can I do to deal with the weakness of a chauvinist? I dont want it to happen but it does and I hate myself for that.