Its not easy to keep up. Never. I was never born with much of an initiative. I can force myself to initiate but all of a sudden I will find myself in a confusion. Have I been over assertive? Do I really have the right to do so much? Who the hell do I think I am? It happens. In all cases of life too. It happens to me.

So why bother? Why not just do not take the initiative? I know thats possible but I am fearful. What if I miss out on the opportunity forever? Dreams are but dreams. And in this dream, the longer it perpetuates, the closer it seems to the time the alarm clock is going to ring. What if one day, I wake up, to find it all gone. Gone. I have been too late.

I wish I would have more courage, more confidence, more belief in myself, but it is not easy to acheieve. I need confirmation. I need a sign. To let me go on. To let me live this dream to the fullest. So that even if its over one day, it will be a beautiful one, deeply etched in my mind. Forever and ever.

But if I let go, I will never know.

Okay. Im bored. And I failed in writing some crap out of the word limits. It was headed towards a childish discussion. So I decided to post something else instead. Just to exclaim, I UPDATED.

Your Birthdate: June 14

You work well with others. That is, you're good at getting them to do work for you. It's true that you get by on your charm. But so what? You make people happy! You're dynamic, clever, and funny. And people like to have you around. But you're so restless, they better not expect you to stay around for long. Your strength: Your superstar charisma Your weakness: Commitment means nothing to you Your power color: Fuchsia Your power symbol: Diamond Your power month: May

How true? Quite I guess. Except for my weakness, err? And I cant get people to do work for me. How? Hahas.

You Are 55% Grown Up, 45% Kid

You've grown up a good bit, but you still have a way to go before you're emotionally mature. You have the skills to control your emotions, you just have to use them.

Woohoo!

You Are Banana Pocky

Your attitude: fun and lighthearted Unique and unforgettable You are cutie everyone falls for

Theres banana flavour?

You Are Half Baked Ice Cream

In reality, you're just a quarter baked

Lol I used my full name. Whos gonnna treat me now?

You Should Be A Cancer

What's good about you: you're incredibly kind, caring, and generous What's bad about you: you can be too moody and impossible to understand In love: you enjoy wining and dining the object of your affection In friendship, you're: likely to depend on other friends for emotional support Your ideal job: historian, marine biologist, or religious figure Your sense of fashion: you dress to match your mood You like to pig out on: classic home cooked meals, like mac and cheese

Okay..

Your Birth Month is June

Peaceful and harmonious, you seek the gentle side of life. Your warmth and consideration touches many. Your soul reflects: Friendship, love, and beauty Your gemstone: Pearl Your flower: Rose Your colors: Light blue, white, and cream

In contrary to what I planned to do previously, I decided to change. Earlier I decided it was getting too ridiculous to report my daily life on this blog and decided to only pen my thoughts. Then again, I cant really say most things openly here. Its merely a way of thinking things through. And hence, my post counts have fallen, I guess. So today I decided, I may post on my life again, however not to the scrutiny of details i used to offer. Perhaps a weekly outline, or a daily outline. Yada yada.

And so this brings me to the first week of school. I think things are going quite well for now. Quite slack. Well it has to be, for we returned to school without even knowing what to bring or what to do. So yeah, hardly any tutorials and shit. Stoning can get you through a day without much difference. Its sort of a reversal of trend. Chemistry used to be the most crazy tutorial but now I havent even touched an inch of tutorial. We are going through block test paper. On the other hand, Physics is getting abit on the ball. Didn do my tutorial today. Perhaps I should do soon lah, for the sake of nice teachers.

This week is rather CCA orientated I guess. CCA trials on Monday. Some trials. We took everyone who came in. But I guess JAE intake is better than PAE. Though we lost Daryl. =( The girls are the same. But I can see good improvement in some, so its good I guess? Tomorrow will be CCA recruitment day. The irony of it all. Recruit people when we already selected them? Oh well. Look out for hidden talents. Perhaps they missed the announcement. But nothings quite prepared for now. Wonder how it will go tomorrow. =S

So in short the week is perfect. Not. Nothing is perfect right? And yeah I am down with the flu. Great timing. When I need to be in my socially optimal form, I am sick. Cool. The nose is starting to clear out though I get sneezing frenzies here and there. The throat is funny. I dont usually get throat stuff during flu. It is retarded lah. And so I ran 9 rounds today with all this shit and all and ended up with some crappy headache. Luckily Sathya didn come today and our double period GP was awesome. Lols. Shes been out of action for two days now.

And so thats my week in a nutshell. Hope I get well soon.

A simple world of black and white. If only things were less complicated. There is just a fine line between knowledge and sheer oblivion but this hair breadth spaces out in an infinity of grey. And this is usually where most of us stand, where I stand, lost in the overwhelming region of indecision and confusion. It is tiring to stay here, to keep guessing, never to know for sure. Why not travel to the black or to the white to see the clear picture?

The fact is transition is not always ugly. In the mess of grey between black and white is actually a beautiful spectrum of colours. The beautiful mess. Between day and night comes sunset and sunrise. The untold beauty. Things can be beautiful when it is not clear. And it is difficult to leave such splendour behind just to find the truth. Ignorance is bliss. How well said.

Yet, transition is but a transition. It is a medium from one point to another. It will evantually come to and end. The role I hold is like a track controller of a railway company. I could let the train travel straight in its journey to a definite ending, a plunge to a terrible ending due to the break in the track in front. It is certain. The train could slow its pace but it would finally fall into a abyss of no return. In the other case, I could switch the track for the train. The journey will take a sudden turn but the train would be saved from certain destruction. However, what the new path holds ahead, I have no knowledge, no answer. Could it be another break in the track that comes even earlier or could it be a wonderful path through the country side? It is a gamble I have to take. It would be much easier if I knew. But I will only know if I change the path first. An irony.

It is difficult to decide. To throw the passengers into a startle to give them more hope or to let them travel in a comfortable manner but to a certain end.

If only I knew what lies ahead.

How can i just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace.

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First official post for the new skin. 200th post for this blog. This baby is getting old. =)

New skin.

Comments please. =)

Its over. =)

It wasn that bad. Went faster than it took to come. And I survived. Yayness.

Now to setlle stuff I left hanging for far too long. Hope to at least.

But what about..

I should be sleeping now. But I probably cant anyway. There is a great case of butterflies in the stomach now. This sucks really. I know its almost definite that I am going to fail that Maths paper tomorrow. I am super unprepared and I know close to nuts about anything. But somehow, I cant convince myself to just forget it and try my best. I somehow feel the stress, the pressure.

I know I am probably not alone and stuff, but I just cant relieve myself of this pressure. The sense of responsibility perhaps? I should have been studying harder indeed. But its all too late now. Too late for regrets, too late for remorse. Think positive, but how could I, when it seems all bleak and stuff. Accept my fate, but than again I cant either. If only I could, it would make life easier.

11 hours to freedom. 11 hours of stress. Cant wait.

Mr Beans Holiday and mine too.

Its the last few hours leading up to the block tests. The feeling is akin to being outside a door, filled with apprehension, not knowing what lies behind that wooden frame. All that seperates you and the mystery is a door, all that seperates me and the block tests is a few hours. But this no easy journey. Behind the first door, there would be three more doors, each labelled respectively. Econs, Physics, Chemistry and finally Maths.

It is not a impossible journey. Though I will get battered in the fights that the door behold. Some would be as certain as walking off a cliff but there can always be surprises, like a puglist versed in qinggong coming to my rescue. Nothing is impossible. It is we who set the possiblities. I believe. In miracles, in surprises and most importantly myself.

3 days. Then I would look back and laugh all I want to laugh. I would laugh at Mr Beans Holiday. Okay, not much of a link there. But yeah, I got a sudden optimism. Hope it sees me through.

To all my friends trapped in this castle, though we will are all trapped in different areas of the dungeon, with only ourselves to fend for, but I know we will meet after the last door. But till then, it is our own indiviudual fight. Work hard, and see you guys at the end. 06S202 and all the other guys out there, gambatte and jiayou. Wish you guys the sincerest of luck. =)

When this is over...

Another day at home. Another day of failure at revision. It is obvious. I am online at this time of the afternoon. I do have a problem do I? I cant seem to study by myself for long before a stomach full of frustration stops me in my tracks. The lack of motivation and discipline at work. 2 days to the block tests.

The block test is the stupidest creation ever. It craps my holidays. My long needed one week of holiday finally comes and it turns it to crap. One week of crappy study break. Dammit. It is a official school term break by MOE not a dumb study break stipulated by schools. It is a way to make us study the shit out of our heads. It would have been better if we had the block test before the holidays I guess, like some fortunate schools. Sure you dont get the time to mug but doesn that lower the expectations of the teachers? And you get to enjoy this week. For me, they give you one week that is barely sufficient and you are expected to do better. Is it fair? Not at all.

I have given up quite abit on Maths I guess. I just dont dig it anymore. Failing the new topics. Forgot the old topics. Its a one way ticket to the F. Econs is half dead. But might be possible to work something out. Chemistry is the usual. Should pass but doing well is another thing. Physics, I guess I been working on it the most this holiday. Still halfway there. I hope something comes out of my little work.

I cant wait for the block tests to be over. Theres no holiday, but studying is finally over. There is so much I want to do. Though it will hardly come true. I want to watch TMNT and Mr Beans Holiday. I want to play pool. I want to... Theres just so many more possiblities after that I guess. Now it just seems bleak and hopeless. With nothing but mountains of notes to ply through and seas of practice to complete.

I need a miracle.

It was a good dillema to begin with. While I managed to reap the advantages of choosing this path, I incurred the full wrath of it.

I guess I was selfish in a way, terribly. It was a fight between heart and mind. With principles holding the reins of the mind and the heart fighting its own war. But it seemed the heart won, though it wasn easy. There were points of contemplation. Blading vs IT fair. If they didn go blading, I would have probably chose the other path. But the fact stays that I chose the new guys over you.

It is almost indefinite that something like that would occur. Indefinite that friendship weakens with seperation, much in contrary to what I believed previously, but the truth is there to behold. And I had tried to sulvage it all. Why else would you think I would suddenly want to meet up with you all? Because I am lonely? Because I have no friends? I had merely wanted to return you all back to the place you guys used to hold in my heart.

But it seemed the virus had attacked just before the vaccination was about to be administered. You have the right to be angry. You have the right to feel cheated. But please, dont lose faith. I really dont know what I can do or say now. Just want to let you know, Im sorry.

If only things were simpler.

Today was super duper fun. Haven had such fun in a while. Lots of funny stuff. Love the people. Happy happy me. =)

So now that I had my fun, it is time to begin the arduous ordeal through the mountains of notes and valleys of practice papers and TYS questions. Yes. I am going to be a full fledged mugger for the week to come. And I hope I can sustain, really.

It is ironic, my my mum keeps saying no pressure but she keeps bugging me to study. But I am not doing this for her. I am not doing this for no one except myself. I want to prove to myself something, I dont know what yet though.

So people, make me study. Get me out for group study, tell me to get off the computer if you see me in the afternoons. Just tell me to study okay? Motivate me, encourage me, inspire me. Okay whatever. Hahas.

My legs are going to be painful tomorrow. =(

Things were much easier back then. Everything was plain as it could be, like butter on bread, no guessing, no hiding. Simple life. Its a price to pay I guess. I knew I should have stayed out of the boundary, but my feet didn listen, I just walked in, and now this force just prevents me from making an exit, or perhaps it is myself who is unwilling.

It is tiring. The battles that wage in the mind. The paranoia. The uncertainty. And there is also the monster, that appears in the form of people all around. It is tiring.

I am tired.

Im just afraid of the answer.

Underperformed. Thats the one word that describes my plight. Sure I know that I dont speak chinese very well, but I thought my paper was fine. I could read chinese for sure, and writing was okay. The C on that result slip, it was okay for a while, before it dawned on me how poorly I had actually done. C was okay for those promo examinations but this was the A levels and I had wanted a B at least. I knew I had failed myself. And thats the worst disappointment of all.

But no use frowing over what had happened. I had collapsed like a flop on the floor but I knew I had to pick myself up. It was difficult, I had felt really strengthless, as I watched my friends walking by without stopping to offer a hand. I guess they probably didn know what I needed as well, some peace and quiet, some words of encouragement, or just a strong firm tug to reality. I really needed the last option but there is no one who can help you without you helping yourself first. And so with the remaining of my strength, I pushed myself off the cold hard floor. I had to get on with life.

The rain was ideal. I needed it. But it was funny how the guys up there play around with the elements. I had just planned to get a little drizzle on my face to wash away the misery. But the wind suddenly grew strong and I was soaked. It was funny. I just had to laugh. And so thanks to the rain for letting me smile again.

================================

A holiday at last. A one day holiday. I had been feeling the fires of fatigue burning at my feet the whole of last week and this bucket of water could not have been more appropriate. But then again, when it really comes, I dont know what to do with it. Already feeling quite bored. I need sleep quite abit but I know not too much, or else it would have a countereffect. So what can I do with the rest of my time? No idea.

My sense of responsibility tells me to study for that upcoming chemistry test. One subject already down the drain, better buck up for the rest right? And try to match those four As set up in the hall of fame by my sister. Congrats to her though. But then again, it is a holiday dammit. Are holidays really merely study breaks? As in breaks from school to study not a break from studying. I feel like slacking.

The stigma involved with mugging doesn help much. But its probably time I ignored all this and focus. Focus on my responsibility and goal. Doing well this block test wont harm much, probably just get the teachers off my back for a while. Continuing to fail will just give me extra pressure and it is senseless. Might as well break it up. But can I keep it up myself? Some peer motivation wont harm. And so I will try to group study lots during that one week of holiday and hopefully it pays off abit.

================================

Time to smile more and make the world a happier place. =)

Still looking for that something.