A meeting at CBC at 3pm. Great I thought, we havent had one in a while. Comment on trainings. Started off perfectly fine. But suddenly, I realised I was at the firing ground and I was the target. Taken aback? Definitely. It was like two simple but effective words being thrown in my face. YOU SUCK. And the worst part about it is, there is nothing much I can really say, cause deep down I know its true, I do suck. It is like the darkness in my heart has been exposed to the whole world. I could only mutter a few incoherent words in my defence.

Captaincy. I guess I was never really made for it. I am not a natural leader. I occasionally will stand up and lead when all is chaotic but long term office posts may just not be my cup of tea. Perhaps having a girls captain doesn really help. I somehow try to make it such that we both have equal status contrary to popular belief that the guy should be on top. However when we are equal, I guess I tend to follow. Especially since Azlyna is the dominant and natural leader. It doesn help matters.

No one really showed me the ropes. I guess thats the way things are. But I guess what happens happens. And I took a real long time. But today served as a wake up call. I guess I know what I have to do now. Initiative yeah?

It hurts though. To come to this state. To be worthless, to be a loser and recognised in front of everyone. Why couldnt it be done discreetly? I felt people feeling sorry for me. It doesn help really, this blow. In addition to all the random emotions I have been experiencing recently. Crying in the rain. Thats what I really am doing now. No one can see the tears. I hide behind a smile. But how long can I hide behind this facade before I finally break down and crumble. Sigh.

Bowling is really eventful today though. That is not the only mind blowing incident that happened. Coach Jack spoke to me today. He presented me with two paths. One, learn the new release for 2 months and see what happens. The advantage is that long-term I will improve, and I guess I do agree. Keeping up with times is important. The disadvantage is that it is really hard for me to have any major changes due to my years of bowling. In other words, my bowling will suck for about that much long. Giving up is never easy, giving up the style that I have now that is far from lousy. In addition to that, I just lost the respect of my peers, will falling scores be the best thing to happen after this? I seriously do not know. The other path is that I will stick with my current style and he will work on that. The pros are obvious, the score stays. The cons, no long-term benefit, and difficult lane conditions could kill me. Its a dilemma. I really want to improve long-term so quite abit of my heart is on the 2 month crash course, but there is really quite a long list of negative effects there. There will be lots of stress from peers and that will be mentally exhausting. Do I really need that in addition to my torrents of schoolwork? I have to come to a decision soon.

I really need support now.