Theres a friend I am beginning to very much admire. Though his musings are very much different from the person you see, I admire the courage, the strength to bare his heart, to voice the battles in his mind, the bravery to face criticism, though I would never criticise his works. His writings, are as pure as a innocent child, cause it comes from the heart, the heart of a young child, lost but strong.

His words, often immerse me in a vortex of emotions and thoughts myself, many of the topics I have contemplated and experienced, in one way or another, though in different degrees. Perhaps we are all growing adolescents. Perhaps everyone feels the exact same, but no one will know unless you voice it, and that is where he is different. He makes me feel not so alone in my struggles in this world. It encourages me to embrace the problems instead of merely delaying and pushing them away.

Some people may not exactly appreciate this, perhaps afraid of acknowledging their inner selves, perhaps already crossing these tribulations and having moved on to a stronger perception. Either way, it is your choice. For me, it is something I can relate to, and helps me grow inside. Click here if you find the need to do so.

Seperation and loss. That is the content of his latest post. I have experienced this in a lesser degree, not so much on the family field, but in someway or another, I believe, we have all experienced seperation.

In fact, it is the seperation with my grandmothers that made me very much want to be less of a thinker, and more of a feeler. I did not shed a tear. Not during the funeral, not in my private time, not during the final trip into the cremator in Mandai. Perhaps I wasn exactly close to them, obscured by the barriers of tongue. But they treated me well. I knew that. I felt the grief inside, but I was not able to let it out. Perhaps it was not intense enough. No, I was not trying to be strong. I was not trying to hold back. Permanent seperation. That is why, I decided to seek my emotions.

Singapore is a urban city. Cold, hard concrete in every direction. Perhaps that is why many of us lose our emotions. We immerse ourselves in study. So what if I scored well during that dumb examination called PSLE. Perhaps I am glad I did not go on to some high intellect school and continue in my mistake. Perhaps it was a break for me to go to Temasek Secondary School. I learnt to be street smart there. Perhaps it was due to this place that made me grow as a feeler as well.

Primary school does not hold much memories for me. I lost contact with my best friends during the transition to secondary school. I remembered being bullied. That is about all. That is why I grew in secondary school. I did not want to be that fatty to be bullied. I wanted to be strong. But that is besides the point. Secondary school is where I made good friends, good friends I swore never to forgo. I wouldn want to repeat my mistake from primary school to secondary school.

Indeed, secondary school is where you probably make your life-long friends, it gives you the longest time of four years. If you question primary school, the simple answer is that we were immatured back then. I found a friend in secondary school. He was in my class for all four years. We were the bestest of the best, we drifted, and we finally came back together in our final year before graduation.

He helped me along this journey many a time. And he is one of the friends I hope to hold for life. But how possible is this? I had a clique in the final year of secondary school. I really want to hold them too. 2 of them are in my JC. 2 of them in poly. I promised myself. But I failed.

I really tried. Perhaps at the starting of the year, I wasn exactly close to my class. Perhaps I still had a strong longing for the friends of the past. I felt that there was no one who could substitute the bunch. And so I maintained a fairly good relationship with my secondary school peers. We met often, be it cycling, pool, or just mere slacking about. It was a enjoyment just to be with them.

However the last time I remembered such close times were my birthday and teachers day. And things were already taking a turn to the abyss of no return by then. In fact, my best friend was not there on my birthday and he had to run on teachers day. I think that was the last.

My best friend. He is probably the only one who knows my family members on a personal level. He crossed the line which I usually mark between family and friends. That is why I hoped that he would stay for life. However recently, he seems very much a different person. I guess he is growing too.

Actually, I used to believe in something, something that perhaps may seem very silly. I used to believe that a friendship is not about meeting the person everyday. It is internal, never to change. It is still true. But the problem is, the people involved change. Although when you meet up, he might seem still close and more approachable than that guy in you class, he is somewhat different, foreign.

I guess that a friendship can never be maintained without sufficient time. That is why, I really hope to meet up with the whole bunch one day. And for many days to come. But it is just so difficult. Thats right, Singapores education system is cruel. It is too contrasting. That is why, even in the same JC, I seldom get to meet my friends. We engage in different social circles, revolving in entirely different directions, growing more and more apart day after day. But I still believe, and my best friend has shown me before, that it is highly possible to break out of this perpetual vicious cycle for the sake of friendship. Now that we have returned to this unfortunate state, I guess it is my turn to do something. But what can I do?

Selfishness. Im too caught up with my class. Sacrifices need to be made. I hope I can see the light soon. My best friend, you know who you are, please keep that place in your heart open for me. And the rest of the bunch too.

All and all. Some seperations are temporary. Some can be recovered. Though it makes things more complicated, but I guess it is worth at the end of the day, right? Permanent seperation. Something that cannot be returned to, I guess there is not much purpose brooding over it forever. A piece of advice, do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened. =) Keep the memories in your heart, and take it our whenever you need it. Remember the happiness, forget the sadness. Life is meant to be a torture, why make things harder for yourself?

Be optimistic.