If you are looking for a cheeky post, click on the red cross on the top right hand corner of your screen. What i want to talk about today is have you ever found yourself not being what you want to be?

Well, cause I have, in a multitude of times. I find myself often not being what i want to be, doing what i do not want to do, and being hopeless at those i hope to accomplish. All the more since JC life began.

For a start, I always wanted to do more for my family, show them the care they deserve. Just a simple gesture, doing something nice for them, helping them. Yet more than often, I find myself tired from school, or hooked onto that computer game. I ignore their needs, seal myself up in a world of my own. How very selfish. I know. It happened today. Its my dads birthday. My mum reminded me this morning but still i forgot. Did not send that birthday greeting that could brighten his day. Perhaps it was because i was busy studying. Dumb excuse. Im sorry dad. And happy birthday.

There is also my belief that i can barely stick to. That is never to forget my secondary school friends. I regretted in secondary school when i found that i have lost many of my primary school friends. And so i decided never to forget the new ones i made in my four years. But it is so apparent now. Faizal is going through alot i know but i have barely been there for him. He is the one who helped me time and time again with all my problems. But when its my turn to repay the kindness, I am obscured by all the busyness. I can only offer him solace in a listening ear, and that was only twice. How very selfish.

So what if i get promoted? So what if i ace the A levels? Is all this sacrifice i make for my studies worthy? In fact its not just studies, I often lose track of myself while having fun. Guilt and remorse is useless.

Happy-go-lucky, i guess thats what i am. Never planning ahead, and taking whatever comes. Thats why i hate making major decisions, and i am not suited to be a leader. That J2 farewell is far from ready. What am i doing?

Guilt and remorse is useless once again. Tomorrow will be a better day. For now, beat the promos, then deal with the rest. That has been what ive been always doing but it seems so wrong in the end. But what else can i do? I am so bloody short of time! And to think i thought i would have more time in jc with just six major subjects. This is like a hellhouse. Everything is thrown at you at one time. Too much for me, far too much. CCA, studies, friends, family. WHAT CAN I DO?!